A LETTER TO MY 12-YEAR-OLD SELF

A LETTER TO MY 12-YEAR-OLD SELF

Dear Little 12-Year-Old Me (2005),

I wonder what you were doing on this very date back in 2005. At the same time, i know you didn't think much of yourself, just as i sometimes still don't today.

You're just a kampung girl, watching the big world from afar. You spend so much time looking at girls from the city in magazines and on TV, especially the pretty ones, the confident ones, the successful ones. The girls who seem to have everything you wish you had. Sometimes you wonder if you'll ever be like them.

You dream about living in the city one day. You imagine tall buildings, busy roads and a life that feels bigger than the one you know. It seems so far away, almost impossible. But I wish you could see what I see now.

You don't grow up to become one of those girls you admire. You grow up to become yourself, someone you never expected you could be. In fact, the job you do today wasn't even on your list of ambitions. At 12 years old, i bet you don't even know what on earth a Statistician is! If i remember correctly, i'm pretty sure i had never even heard that word back in 2005. Haha.

So as you can feel it, the path wasn't always smooth & it certainly wasn't glamorous, but you made it.

And remember that city you used to dream about? The city that once felt so far out of reach? You live there now. The life you imagined while looking beyond your kampung window is now simply your everyday life. Even your daughter has been growing up healthy and happy there since the day she was born. 

Yes, we have a daughter now ❤︎⁠

Amazing, isn't it? The things you once prayed for become so normal that you sometimes forget they were once dreams. Alhamdulillah.

And the truth is, that kampung life you sometimes felt insecure about, the life that made you wish you were more, was never the problem. That little girl (you) was brave enough to dream & live beyond what she could see.

And funny enough, at 33 years old today, you find yourself craving that slow kampung life again. The very life that shaped you into who you really are. The life you should actually feel proud about. 

So keep dreaming. Keep doing your best. Keep being a good person. Keep believing that your world can be bigger than it is today. Because one day, you'll look back and realize that the little kampung girl was far stronger and capable of doing a lot of great things than she ever knew. 

Love, Your Future, Grateful Self (2026).

33 & VANITY

Turning 33 feels a little different. Not in a dramatic way, just quieter. And also not as exciting as birthdays used to be. Mind you, my birthday was back in February & somehow i’m only really feeling it now, in April.

Being at this age, you start seeing yourself a bit more clearly, especially when it comes to beauty. It’s not really about trends anymore or trying to impress anyone. It’s more like, "what actually makes me feel good?"

But somehow, the word vanity still sounds a bit harsh. Like caring about how you look all the time is something to feel guilty about. When honestly, it’s not that deep. Taking care of yourself is just staying connected to who you are.

At 33, it becomes more intentional. You already know what works, you stick to what feels right & you’re not easily influenced by every viral thing online (Is that so? Hm). But it’s less about chasing perfection & validation of others. It's more about maintaining a version of yourself that feels familiar, confident & more you.

And somehow, it hits a bit differently when you’re already a mom. Because let’s be real, you didn’t just want to be a basic, plain mom. You wanted to be the cool, effortlessly beautiful & confident one. And for me, whether it’s fully achievable or not, i’m still going to try.

Being a mom means your time isn’t really yours anymore. Priorities shift & most days, self-care feels like a luxury. But on the days you do get that moment, even something small, it reminds you that you still matter too.

Looking good isn’t about proving anything. It’s about feeling okay in your own body, even with the changes, the too-much-in-a-day, the new identity you carry. Aging doesn’t take away your beauty, it just changes how you see it. The lines, the skin changes, they all tell your story. Your strength, your growth.

So yeah, wanting that flawless, glass-like skin, even knowing you’re aging & it may never be perfect, and wanting to feel pretty when you look in the mirror, isn’t shallow. It’s self-respect. The real balance is caring, but not losing yourself in the process.

Aging isn’t the enemy. Disconnection & denial are. May we embrace our age & become more, not less. 

And may 33 be the year i finally feel pretty again.

WHAT DO YOU BRING TO THE TABLE?

"What do you bring to the table?"

Nothing. I bring nothing to the table. 

I am the table, the very one holding it all together.

I have a job that works around my child's schedules.

I am the alarm & the human reminders.

I do scheduling, all the planning & appointments.

I am the backup plan & the original plan. The calendar, the memory, the safety net.

I carry the invisible load no one sees but everyone depends on.

I am the late nights & the early mornings. 

The one who knows what’s needed before it’s even said.

I make everyday run as usual.

I show up every single time. Even when i’m tired, even when i’m overwhelmed.

I don’t just keep things together, i am what keeps it all from falling apart.

So no. I don’t bring anything to the table. 

I am the table.

ALMOST 5 - FILLED WITH DUAS & MIRACLES

There was a time when my days revolved around lullabies, milk bottles & tiny socks that somehow always went missing. Back then, everything about her felt so small. Her fingers wrapped around mine, her soft baby scent, the way she needed me for everything (even until today). I remember thinking those days were long (because i was mostly just alone with her), sometimes exhausting but i never realized just how fleeting they were.

This year, my daughter will be five. Five. Asking questions about school, about what she sees each day, and sharing her thoughts & feelings. Her voice is clearer, her thoughts are bigger & her independence, her will power, it surprises me every single day.

But if i'm being honest, there was a time when we were very worried about that very voice. 

I still remember when she was two. While other children her age were starting to form words & simple sentences, she mostly mumbled. And her only clear words were 'mommy' & 'daddy'. We at first, told ourselves not to compare, that every child develops at their own pace. But deep down, the concern was always there.

So we took that step. We brought her to therapy, both government & private. There were sessions, small exercises, repeated words & quiet prayers in between. It wasn’t always easy. There were moments of doubt, moments when we questioned whether we were doing enough, or doing things right. And honestly, i still carry that feeling even now, despite how much she has progressed, because a part of me is still afraid that what we’ve done might still not be enough.

But we kept going. Alhamdulillah. Slowly, things began to change for the better. A new word here. A clearer sound there. Then one day, without even realizing it, she started talking more. Expressing more. Connecting her thoughts into sentences. And now? Now she is chatty. Her words aren’t perfect yet because there are still mispronunciations. But the progress is there, and it means everything.

Alhamdulillah, everything is coming together so beautifully. She’s no longer my baby. Not even my toddler anymore. She’s becoming her own little person. And now, she's already in kindergarten preparing herself for Standard 1 in the next two years. 

It feels surreal. Two more years & she’ll be stepping into a new phase of life. School routines, new friends, responsibilities & a world that is slowly expanding beyond me. I find myself thinking a lot about how to prepare her. Not just academically but emotionally too. How do i teach her confidence, kindness, resilience? I want her to be unbreakable, strong & firm just like me, but even better. I pray that she will adapt & get along very well. InsyaAllah. 

Sometimes, i wish i could pause time. Just for a while. To hold on to this version of her. The curious five-year-old who still reaches for my hand, who still calls for me day & night, who still needs me in ways i understand.

But i know that growing is part of her journey. And learning to let go, just a little more each day, is part of mine. So now, instead of wishing time would slow down, i try to soak it all in every single day. The laughter, the questions, the small milestones that don’t feel small at all. I remind myself that while she may not be a baby anymore, she will always be my child, always and forever. 

May Allah ease Nur Aqisya Emara's journey always until the end of the time. May the world always be kind to her. May she always be confidence, kind & resilience. May she be guided in every step she takes, protected from harm seen & unseen, and always surrounded by good companions who uplift her heart & faith. May Aqisya's mind be filled with wisdom, her heart with kindness & her spirit with courage when life feels heavy. May she grow into someone who brings light wherever she goes & may she always find her way back to peace and Allah whenever she is lost or overwhelmed. And may my husband & i, as her parents, be granted strength, patience & wisdom to guide her gently through every season of her life. InsyaAllah. Amin YRA. 

Mommy loves you Aqisya. To the end of every road you walk, through every sunrise you see & in every little step you take, my love will always be with you. Always & forever ❤︎

LIFE LATELY

I realized my last post was on 3rd March last year. Somehow, that feels like a good reason to write again today for 2026. Time has a funny way of moving. Some days feel long and heavy, yet somehow a whole year has quietly passed. Looking back, i don’t remember every single details, but i know i’m not the same person i was when i last wrote here.

Life lately has been a mix of routine and quiet lessons. Some days are very productive, some are just about getting through & both feel equally valid. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to accept that progress doesn’t always look instantly impressive from the outside. Sometimes, simply living through ordinary days is already enough.

Maybe this post isn’t meant to say anything big. Maybe it’s just a small marker in time, a reminder that i was here, living, trying & growing in my own way. 

And if I ever come back, maybe sooner, maybe later, or even a year from now. And read this again, i hope i’ll smile & realize that even small progress matters, leading us toward a better future. 

Step by step, good progress will come. Keep going, InsyaAllah!