LIFE IS LIKE THAT

You know when there are certain time in your life where you sit, look out at the window and having a deep thought to yourself about where you are now in life? Yeah, i was having that moment this morning. It's actually about how overwhelmed i feel when i look at other people, especially those my age or even younger than me living a better, brighter life compared to mine. 

I'm not trying to sound like an ungrateful woman. I am thankful for everything that Allah has blessed me all these years since the day i was born. I know the fact that our pace are not the same compared to others. I know that everybody is fighting a silent battle. I know that happiness is subjective. And i also understand it too well that not everything that we show on social media, to public, to other people is actually what it is. We have to take it with a grain of salt every single time. 

I mean, we know all off these and we have heard it all at least a million times. It's the truth and at the same time, it's actually one of the ways to ease our heart. So that we won't freaking out when it is not even necessary. Well, great for me. I am freaking out all the time. Internally. 

I have a stable, permanent job but i wish for a better job everyday. I have fixed income, but i am always broke and wish to have 5 figures income like my loaded friends. My small family already got the keys to our 2-storey first house and i wish to renovate and decorate my house like the way i dream it to be but, hate to break it to myself, we have to act like our wage. And etc etc including the littlest things. And guess what, tbh, the problem is not everything else. The problem is actually me. I'm the problem it's me. Lol. 

I've read somewhere on how we are actually so okay with our lives until we see someone else's or until someone else say something about it. Like, how it was all okay all this while but suddenly at one point, it is not. For instance, we were okay walking to the campus 3km everyday, until we saw someone drive a car and tell us that go to campus by car is easier compared to walking. And magically, we feel like walking is actually not an ideal option anymore.

Same goes to a situation where we were fine using just liquid detergent to wash our clothes, until we saw people are actually using detergent + softener + color safe bleach + laundry perfumes + etc. We either will not be bothered at all. Or be like, damn, no wonder my clothes are all bad and have shorter lifespan compared to theirs. I need to get the products they are using! Or, oh why am i so poor to never afford that. Sobs. 

As for my case, since i am working with the Government, i always feels like i should earn more. Like, i deserve more salary because we have so many tasks and work to be done on daily basis. Which i know that if i'm working with private company with the same amount of work, my salary will definitely be way higher and better (i guess). Also on the other hand, if i am not working with the Government, i will not going to get all of the benefits as a Government Servant like: the retirement benefits (of course), free treatment at the government clinics and hospitals, 25 days annual leave, so on, so forth and the best benefit of all is the whole 3 rooms apartment quarters that only cost us RM300+ per month. We can even upgrade it to a 2-storey landed quarters when it's time. I mean, what else that is not enough in this goverment servant life? (other than lesser salary tbh) haha.

In the end, it's all about: count your blessings not your sorrows. We can either see the good things in life and be more grateful or we can count the bad things to make us melancholy. Sometimes we feel like we are nobody compared to everybody else because other people lives seems way calmer, way fortunate, way better. But hey, the grass is always greener on the other side right? 

Sometimes i was afraid thinking of what am i going to be in the next 5-10 years because i feel like my life is stagnant. Like, everyday is the same. I gain nothing, achieve nothing. But as my husband said, if you look back at yourself 5 years ago, who you are now is nothing like who you were 5 years ago. You grew so much whether you realized it or not. Even when we are at work doing "the same thing" everyday, we actually at the same time, learn new things from time to time. What we understand about our routine job today is not the same as how we see it 5 years ago.

 

Best believe that our lives are good too. We are doing pretty great too. Because life is like that. It's not always a walk in the park. It's a roller coaster ride. Sometimes we are up above the sky and sometimes we hit rock bottom. We have to trust the timing of our life. One day at a time. Everything will be okay eventually as long as we focus and do the good things every time. InsyaAllah.

BORNPINK WORLD TOUR: BORNPINK IN KL

WE WENT TO BORNPINK WORLD TOUR IN KL!

It's been 2 months and just today i have the time to blog about my first ever concert experience. It's long overdue and i feel a bit sad because most of the detail memories are not there anymore. I should've blog about this earlier. Ugh. But never mind, i'm still gonna blog about this so that i will not going to forget about it wholly. 

I'm not a K-pop fan and i obviously not a concertgoer. I even don't remember when was i first started to like Blackpink so much that going to see them in a flesh during this world tour is a must. I just suddenly love them and i love them so much it hurts. I still remember when i first knew that Blackpink is coming to Malaysia, my first reaction was, "take my money! i would like to have the VIP seats like, right now!". And obviously that didn't happened because i definitely not spending RM1.9k/ person for a 3-hour concert ticket. I mean, i'm not that rich (yet).  

So, i knew it too well that the concert tickets will be sold out in minutes because duh, it's Blackpink. So i was so anxious from the very beginning that i even Googled and watched YouTube on how to make sure that i can secured my concert tickets without failed. This is literally like once in a lifetime moment because i may no longer be their fan or i may no longer love Blackpink this much in like 4 years time. I mean, they may come back to Malaysia in the future and i just don't care anymore. So, this is the time! Now or never! 

One of the very first things that i did was searching for BLINKS group (Blackpink fanbase). I know there must be a Whatsapp or Telegram group that is based in Malaysia and we talk about nothing but just Blackpink. And thank God i found the groups on the same day and joined them right away. I even bought the BLINK Membership on Weverse because only members can buy the pre-sales concert tickets. I mean, of course, we need all the opportunities in the world to see these four girls. I even got all of the info and other updates on how to this and that and everything from that group. Like seriously, the next time you're going for a concert, join the fanbase group. They. Know. Everything. I swear if i didn't joined the group, i will not going to be able to go for the concert. 

When the seating map and prices for the ticket concert was out, we were all not very happy. Lol. Because it was so expensive. i wonder how the prices will be for their next tour in the future. My initial goal was to buy the most expensive ticket, the VIP ones and even wished to get the backstage pass if possible. But when i see the prices, we ended up bought the cheapest tickets instead: CAT6. Haha. I managed to secured not two but four tickets because the first purchase was an error but the website still deducted my money. I then bought the same seats again because after the first purchase, i checked and saw the seats i purchased earlier was still available (?) So i bought again with no hesitation because i was thinking, even if they deducted my money twice, i should at least get my refund back because most importantly at that moment was i need to get tickets for myself. However, thank God, two days later, GoLive Asia sent me two extra tickets because of the first error and since they deducted my money earlier. So, i sold the tickets to Iman. 

I was supposed to go with my sister at first, but i went with my husband in the end because my sister knows nothing about Blackpink. My husband on the other hand, knows most of Blackpink songs, haha so yeah. It was a blessing actually because i get to use his phone and took all of the good photos and videos for our memories. The concert started around 8.30pm and the gate was opened around 5.00pm. I still remember when we were just wandering around outside the stadium searching for snacks and the soundcheck started. It was surreal and so exciting even though we were just listening to them live from outside the stadium haha.

Overall, the concert was spectacular! It was, hands down, one of the best experiences in my whole life. All of the four members: Jisoo, Jennie, Rose and Lisa were so charming with their powerful performance. The sang live! Even the band was a live band! You can feel those drum beats in your chest and even the dancers were truly born to perform. Their entire teams were so dedicated in creating world-class, quality performances. They hyped us up like crazy and left us wanting for more. And even the crowd, i mean damn, thanks to all Malaysians BLINKS. The concert vibe was astounding! I almost cried multiple times because i was so overwhelmed with everything. It was so good that the concert even ended much sooner than anticipated and moved extremely fast, maybe because we were enjoying it so much. 

It was definitely one of my best experiences in life. And i regret nothing from going to this concert seeing my four girls blessing us will all of their old and new tracks in real life. Another bucket list checked ✔ Alhamdulillah. The only concert i wish to go next for now is Taylor Swift's. The last time and perhaps the only time she came to Malaysia for a concert was during The Red Tour in 2014. Are we going to see Taylor in this Eras Tour maybe in Malaysia or Singapore in the near future? God knows. Please. 

VAN GOGH ALIVE

We went to Van Gogh Alive at Pavilion Bukit Jalil last Saturday. I purchased the early bird tickets (RM46/ person) last Disember when they first marketed the exhibition in Malaysia. I'm no fan of art nor an artist myself but i've known Van Gogh since as long as i can remember especially The Starry Night panting. And i read that this Van Gogh Alive tour is going to be the world's most visited immerse, multi-sensory experience in the world. It was and will be exhibiting in various countries. That being said, of course, i hopped on the bandwagon while it's still in town.

I never went to any art exhibitions before in my life. Maybe i did but not intentionally. So this is my first art exhibition ever. Oh, we also get to enter The Greatest Artist exhibition as well which is right next to the Van Gogh Alive hall. For me, the highlights of the show were: 1) the digital art show where they visually projected some of Van Gogh's history, paintings and famous quotes on several screens in one dark room featuring classical music to go with it. 2) The AI generated self-portrait where the was like a box of photo booth camera. We took our portrait there and after like a minute, we can see it 'painted' digitally on the wall like the real painting. It was such a fun experience to see my face and my husband's portraits on the wall. Haha. And of course we didn't buy the printed-pricey ones because why spend more though? We got the portraits in our phone gallery already. Ain't nobody got money for that. Lol. 

People may have different opinions about their experiences with this exhibition but as for me and my husband (someone who will not take this too seriously), we enjoyed every second of it. I hope that we in Malaysia can also present our own multi-sensory experience just like this one or way better. Perhaps featuring P. Ramlee (as a person) or maybe with the history of Malaysia. And btw, this exhibition is still ongoing until 16th March 2023. If you got some time and some money, go spend it on this though. It's good to learn something about Van Gogh and took some insta-worthy photos for the gram. Hehe. 

THE BEST IS YET TO COME: 2023

Assalamualaikum & hello 2023! It's the new year, new me again. Alhamdulillah all of us 93s babies are going to be 30 years old this year (yep, that's old). 30 literally in our Jenna Rink phase like please guys, only talk thirty to us. Lol. Tbh, i am so ready for 2023. I already bought the 2023 planner like a month before the new year and i also already make a list of resolutions on what to achieve this year. I mean, bring it on 2023. I pray that at least i will do my best and be consistent to achieve my resolutions in this January because it's the first month of the year and the start of everything. If i screw it all during this first month, God knows how i am. I will end up be like, "okay let's start again on my birthday on February" and then postpone and postpone till forever. So yeah, please no. 

And recently i read an online book titled: "1% Better Everyday" saying that we can never just simply goes from nothing to everything, zero to hero very dramatically. For instance, we can't be like, eating like Fat Amy (no offense to myself hahaha) for the whole year and suddenly eat like Bella Hadid on the new year, drastically starting on the 1st January just because we aim to lose more weight (hashtag new year, new body). Same goes to: the routine was, we usually do nothing during the night after work (because we already too tired to function), and all of a sudden the next day, like magic, we go for 2-hour gym session everyday, take online courses, read many books till late and voila, a whole new person overnight/ in a week. Honestly, the new habit definitely not going to stay for long. Because we will easily give up the next few days or the next week because of the gigantic changes that tire us more than usual. I mean, it's true though because it happened to me all the time. Lol. 

So the book literally suggests us to implement Kaizen in our daily lives. Kaizen is a Japanese word means "improvement" or "change for the better". The term is used more specifically to refer to continuous improvement or small changes consistently which is making small changes that add up to big differences. It says that the other book, "The Toyota Way" did explains the uses of Kaizen in detail and canonized its usage to some extent. Let's pray that i will find and read this book too in the near future to understand better especially when i just enjoy reading short and easy-to-understand books (or maybe just the summary haha). 

And yeah, we've been listening to this "slowly but surely" and "keep calm and achieve your goals" only a million time but in real life situation, it's still easier said than done because the world is moving so fast and we are definitely not calm at all. Haha. Especially with our ton of tasks and challenges at home and work that drain us off like crazy. We barely live actually most of the time. Every new year we always think we can achieve everything in our bucket list, but in the end, out of ten, only one or two of the goals (worst: nothing) is actually really happening. And we keep on repeating the same goals every new year like a broken record because along the way, we just ended up being demotivated to actually achieve them. Lol #fact #shame #guilty  

I am 30 this year and i tell myself this time, i should be older and wiser. Not just older and fatter lol. I am so done at being young, dumb and broke. This time i'm going to turn that all around because now that i'm old. I can't just be old. Duhh. Other people already achieved a lot of things in their 30s. If i can't be as good as them, i should at least be as good as me. I have a baby daughter who will need someone to look up to in the future. If i want to be proud of my daughter, i should make her proud of me first. InsyaAllah. 

Time to see what 30 is all about.

LONG OVERDUE UPDATES & 2022 SO FAR

Assalamualaikum and hello to anyone reading this. This post most probably would be the last post for 2022 because i don't think i will have the free time ever again to blog until January. Especially when i was already drafted my second anniversary blog update on the day of the anniversary but it ended up postponed until my daughter's first birthday, postponed again until the birthday celebration which was two weeks later and until today, literally a month overdue. 

There's a lot going on with this life (of course) but yeah, to update here just by counting the blessings, me and my husband are already being together for two years and our daughter is now one year old. Alhamdulillah. We get to celebrate our anniversary as a family with our little girl and we also managed to set a simple birthday party/ celebration for Aqisya including all of our family members. Though she was sick on the night of the celebration and got warded for the first time at Hospital Putrajaya the day after, but alhamdulillah, she is A-okay now. 

Reflecting on 2022, this year has been about nothing but Aqisya, our daughter (obviously). It's the year about we becoming the new parents, how we learned plenty of new things and managed to raise our baby together until she is one year old (may she lives for many years to come. Amin YRA). As the saying goes; it takes a village to raise a child. It's true though. We didn't just raise her by ourselves but also with my sister (who lives with me), our parents, family and even our colleagues were involved. Especially when Aqisya frequently had fever, cough and flu literally like once a month in general. Our leaves (day off) were all been used not because we were going on holidays or such, but because of the emergency leaves when our baby was not in the pink of health. However, we are both are still thankful since everybody was cooperating well and very understanding towards us. Of course there were hiccups here and there but then again, too few to mention. 

Altogether, i don't think i actually achieved anything big this year other than being a mother. Haha. Probably because i'm so devoted to being a mother especially during this first year being a parent with my first baby that i don't really bother about anything else but her. So yeah, i perhaps shall plan ahead for my 2023 so that i can actually achieve something significant next year for my dear self. May Allah ease everything for us in 2023. The best is yet to come. InsyaAllah. 

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MOM (MY EDITION)

WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A MOM

(AQISYA'S MOMMY EXHAUSTIVE LIST EDITION):

First few days was a total blur. My first day at home, I fed my baby with only 2ml of milk during her feeding time in the evening. It was supposed to be 60ml. I mean, what on earth was i thinking?!

In the early days, I don’t even want to be left alone with just me and my baby. It was so terrifying. I literally need help 24/7.

My husband was the first one to learn and master in handling the baby compared to me.

The Confinement Lady (CL) came every day for 3 weeks straight and at some point, I feel like I don’t even need her. Because I need my rest and my sleep especially during the morning (while the baby was also sleeping). 

The real struggle began when my husband was already back to work and the CL is no longer coming to help me in the house. Which means, I was alone with just me and the baby.

When my baby was at crying-all-night phase. I got mad just by thinking of my husband who was sleeping soundly far away and here I am with a crying baby all night. Haha.  

It took me many days to finally discover how to shower my baby properly and not being stressed during her shower time. 

I learn to love someone more than I love myself. Endlessly. And I finally understand why my mom acts in certain ways because of me.  

Being a mother make me realize that it is actually so hard to be a stay at home mom. Because there is actually nothing can be done since the focus is only for the baby. Like seriously. 

I used to have empathy only for animals like cats, doggies, etc. But since Aqisya was born, it breaks me to tears to see babies being treated badly or unjustly. 

The first 3 months really took a toll on me. It was so tiring. I even wonder how am I going to survive being a working mom. But somehow, eventually I did because it gets better every day since I kinda learn how to juggle with it from time to time. Though i'm still learning. 

No more small bags or no bag whenever we go out and about. 

Everything need to be done very quickly. And sometimes, nothing can even be done at all because the baby is the priority. I mean, the baby gets what the baby wants. All the time.

I became more defensive. As an example, I no longer breastfeed my baby. So, when anyone wants to question about my decision and be a milk police, I will stop them immediately like, ok, stop right there, your opinion and critic does not matter to me. Sorry not sorry. 

It bugs me when people pretend like they know my baby more than me and shower me with their comments and random assumptions. PSA: NO ONE KNOWS AND WANTS THE BEST FOR THE BABY MORE THAN THE MOTHER. PERIOD.

I no longer shop for myself. I only shop for my baby. No lie. 

I give up a lot but get back so much in return.

7kg is heavy if it’s a bag of rice or anything else. But it’s not that heavy if it’s my baby. Like surprisingly, I can handle carrying her for minutes or even an hour. Unless if there is a stroller or carrier, please. give. me. that. stroller. and. carrier. #sendhelp

I became 100% more paranoid, more anxious, more cautious on everything. Even when I already be so careful, it still scares me if I’m the one who will be hurting my baby. Nauzubillah. May Allah always protect Aqisya from any harm and danger. Amin YRA. 

My baby is my everything. She comes first every single time. She is above anything. She is like the magic magnet that attract all my other attentions, priorities to her. Like, nothing else really matters anymore but her.

The anger is real. The struggle is real. The tiredness is real. And when you lost it for seconds, the guilt is real. As real as it gets. 

OUR BABIES ARE THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD. EVERY ONE OF THEM. FIGHT ME. 

I love kids shows now. Several times me and my daughter were watching Peppa Pig or Cocomelon together but end up with just me watching the show haha. 

You know “that mom” who shares too many of child photos on social media and only having child-related stories to share online. Me too. Because I am “that mom” now. Lol. Whatever. My instagram, my rules #tiber

There is nothing so pure in this world as a belly laugh from our child. It’s okay to be a clown, to be a monkey or even a troll, as long as we can hear our baby’s laugh. 

Learning I am both more vulnerable and stronger than I realized.

I appreciate my husband even more and convinced that he is a good husband and a good father after we have a baby. He works full time and only comes home during the weekends. He does what he can when he's home including bathe the baby, change the diapers and everything day and night. I am blessed to have such a helpful and understanding husband. May this last forever.

My sister is the second mother to my child. Even when she's also tired like crazy, she still has to help me with my baby every time when I passed out haha. God bless her. 

I have my own list of short prayers (duas) for my baby that I recite with her every morning before she’s going to school. And the duas list increases by days. May Allah respond the duas with acceptance. Amin YRA. 

6 MONTHS OF TOGETHERNESS

I don't even know what to write about actually. But this blog need to be updated cause it's been a while. Lol. So, let's talk about my new obsession which is my daughter, Aqisya. Alhamdulillah she is 6 months old already. Growing all strong, healthily and beautifully. I mean, look at her. She looks just like me #selfclaimed. I remember when she was like 1 or 2 months old, my husband always brag about how she looks like him. But now, sorry you old man. Mommy always wins. Haha. 

It's been few days since Aqisya first started her weaning journey. Until now she has already tasted rice porridge, rice rusk, bok choy and celery. Somehow, so far so good for her. Our plan is to introduce her to vegetables first then we move on to fruits, meats and everything delicious. I really hope for her to not be a picky eater. But looking at her growing, i know she will be just okay with anything. InsyaAllah. Let's pray that mommy will also be persistent on cooking the moment she is older. So that she will not just eat junk foods till she's fat just like mommy did. Lol. 

Aqisya is also doing good at her nursery. Her teacher (read: baby sitter) never called me even once saying that she's not doing okay. I mean, we should just be so thankful that Aqisya is such an easy baby in everything. She never cried on unnecessary things. Most of the time, we know exactly what she wants every time she cries. She also pee and poop well. Alhamdulillah. She is a blessing. Hence, i will only count the blessings when it comes to her. Even when she cries can also be music to my ears haha. The love songs that are playing on the radio now are also about her. Maybe it's just me being a mom but i pray that Allah will let our precious Aqisya to be with us for a long long time. And may Allah always protect her from evil and danger even from me when i am harmful. Amin YRA. 

We love you Aqisya. Everybody in the family loves you. In fact, everybody who sees you, love you. Mommy pray that you will always find a way to love and value yourself when you are older because you are just so worthy and nothing less.