THE KIND OF FLAWLESS I WISH I COULD BE

This is so random but i guess most (or maybe some) of my friends especially those on social media already knew that i'm a big fan of Taylor Swift. Idk why but i literally love everything about her. I started to like her so much since the 1989 album. I memorize all of the songs from 1989 and i'm still listening to them until now.

I know she got a long list of ex lovers and her blank spaces left may not be as many as ours (lol), but doesn't that means that she had already achieved so much in her life as such age? And she is just 29 years old (?) I don't want to point the spotlight at her love life, but her achievements in life. I know there are so many better role models under the sun and i don't care if the media consistently broadcast to the world about how manipulative Taylor Swift is, or how sarcastic she is through her songs, yada yada, i'm still gonna love her until whenever.

Seriously though, if you really think that Taylor Swift is not talented at all, you gotta watch the video above. I swear she is so good with words. She wrote most of her songs by herself. Her career is defined by her own efforts. She would not come this far if she's just waiting at the corner for any other people to write or compose songs for her. I mean, isn't that inspiring enough? Well, call me bias, but most of her song lyrics mirror so much of what's going on in my life now and then. That's the beauty of her music i guess. It can apply to so many different people all over the world and yet still feel as if it were written just for you. Maybe that's one of the major reason why i love her. Taylor certainly gotten where she needed to go but i believe that's not for lack of a lot of effort. She has been working practically her whole life persistently that i find it pretty darn inspiring. Sometimes i wonder if she ever sleep. 

And while i look up at such person, i realized of how small and how nobody i am in this big, never-slowing-down world. Honestly i have so many fears and insecurities in life, like way a lot that one can imagine. Some people may see me as fearless, goal oriented gal (because that's what i want, what i convince myself to be and my poker game somehow sometimes strong enough) but they have no idea how terrified, how clueless i am on the inside.

True enough, it's end of March already, and i'm still doing data cleaning for my Master's dissertation while some of my friends already run their data whatsoever and it's beyond sickening for me. I hate how slow i am at some things. And sometimes i feel like choking myself to death so that i can end this soon enough. I can't believe that dissertation can be such a grade A pain in my life. Can i just get my Master's Degree without doing my dissertation? Can i? No? Maybe? Fine, i know the only way out is through *cries blood tears*.

And as always, this too shall pass. I've been in this drowning situation many time before but i survived everytime (Alhamdulillah). And i will do it again and again. InsyaAllah. Another 4 months of do or die. Oh Lord, please let Afiqah Norazizi survive this time around. Amin!

"I think fearless is having fears but jumping anyway" - Taylor Swift

WHILE ON THE CONTRARY,

And she made it anyway.

OLABOLA THE MUSICAL

WE FINALLY WENT TO OUR FIRST EVER OFFICIAL THEATRE! 

Well, this was literally our second theatre. The first one was Gadis Jalan Burmah, a story by Redza Minhat. But it was an independent theatre managed by few awesome people with high imagination in story telling that move others.

Tbh, i'm always thankful for twisted fate, cancelled plans, because it always, always lead to a better ending. Me and my sister were actually planning to go to Port Dickson to swim at the beach before we end our semester break because last time we went to Langkawi, we didn't bring our swimming suits. But my parents didn't allow us since there'll be only two of us. My parents actually never really allow us to do any outdoor activities related to nature such as hiking, going to the beach or waterfall, jungle trekking, etc unless if we have better reasons to go or our male cousins, any relatives that 'expert' in that particular activity are with us. Yeah, that's just our parents.

But again, thank God for that, we ended up with OlaBola The Musical! The moment my parents forbid us, I scrolled into my Instagram and saw Iedil Putra's post about OlaBola. I did saw Iedil's posts, spamming a lot about OlaBola before but i never really pay my attention to the posts. 

I know that my parents will always approve this kind of 'activity' (as long as we pay everything with our own pocket money and never asked for extras), so, without any hesitation, i clicked the website for the online tickets. The most expensive price for the ticket with the best view from seat was RM386 and the cheapest price with the most tak-best and tak-nampak-stage seat position was RM58.

We were at the very front row at Upper Circle L1. The ticket was RM113 each. I swear guys, if you are going to theatre and choosing Upper Circle (because Upper Circle is the cheapest among all), please MAKE SURE that you select the very front row as your seat. Because even the second rows can't view all of the performance. No kidding. And if anyone ever asked my opinion, which i know there's no one but i'm gonna spill it anyway (lol), the best views for Istana Budaya is from all the Stall seats, while for the Grand Circle, i only prefer seats at L1, L2, C1, C2, R1 and R2. And for the Upper Circle, only the front-est rows of L1, C1 and R1. Whereas for the rest, you will only waste your money and worse is, you didn't get the same excitement as others. Just my 2 cents. 

Overall, OlaBola The Musical was beyond my expectation. I never watched the movie before. So i was like a 100% first timer. First time theatregoer and first time knowing the story behind the title OlaBola. They claimed that OlaBola The Musical is the biggest show of 2018. And guess what? They are all right! A #LuarBiasa theatrical experience, indeed! I enjoyed every second of the show. It was splendidly... Arghh! I got no word left to describe!

The best part was, i met all of the casts, the ensembles and the director of OlaBola The Musical, Tiara Jacquelina. I already uploaded all of the photos on my Instagram and Instagram Stories (highlighted!). My mind was literally blown away by everything on that night. 

I considered myself as lucky to be part (even as an audience) of this great story about togetherness that touches the hearts of people. I really wish that i can watch it for the second or third time to feast my eyes. But i can't afford more than 1 ticket at this moment. Lol. Also because of time constraint. However, this is still one of the best experience in my life so far. Thanks to the team. And cheers to more great experiences in the future. If Allah wills. 

WISH I CAN TURN BACK TIME

This is Isytal (read: Kristal). I named her Kristal because i took her from my apartment, Kristal View at Shah Alam. She was such a very small stray kitten back then the moment i decided to take her to my hometown with me. I often saw her at the lift lobby. Every time i was at the lift to go up or down, she was always there. Alone. I remember it was Ramadhan, and all of us were having Ramadhan break. All of my friends already went back to their hometowns but i was still at Shah Alam because i was working at Shell which i need to wait for the weekend. 

I don't know whether Isytal was an abandoned cat that someone left her alone or her mom died from something. But she was always alone by herself. I can't afford seeing her in that condition cause i don't think she'll survive for long. Me and my family never really take stray cats home with us because we have enough cats already at home and my mom never allows us.

But not this time. Isytal need to come home with me. I need to take care of her. She need to have a forever home. She can't be a stray cat forever, i told myself. Firm.

So i took some empty boxes at the Shell station to put her in while in the car. At the evening, when i came back at the apartment, she suddenly was not there. I remember, i asked one of cleaner staff, an Indonesian guy to help me find Isytal. I found her at around 5pm that i decided to put her for a while at my Pak Lang's house. Pak Lang told me not to come at that time because of the traffic. But i wanted to make sure that Isytal was safe and i can't let her be in my apartment because i know that my housemates will not like her in the house.

The traffic jam was real. The distance from my apartment to Pak Lang's was supposed to only take about 20 minutes, but i took almost 2 hours because of the traffic. The moment i came back at my apartment, it was almost 8pm. I don't even eat or drink anything yet. And it was Ramadhan. But i was happy enough because i know that Isytal was already in a good hand.

She grew up beautifully at my hometown, safe and sound. My mom helped me in taking care of her and the rest of the cats. All of my cats are literally white and orange in color. But not Isytal. Hehe. She's different. She's grey. But she's not alone because my dad also bring home 2 stray cats from his workplace and both were black and grey just about the same size and age as her. They were like triplet from the same mother and bestfriends.

Isytal was such a good cat. Everytime we let her out from the cage, she never make any scene like breaking a vase, pooping everywhere or anything. Nothing. She was more than a good cat. She never burden us. She grown up beautifully that my male cats fell in love with her. I bet she already has kittens inside her little tummy. I rarely take photos of her because she's rarely inside the house. She likes to stay outside and do her own thing. 

But yesterday morning, i hit her with my car. I didn't realized she was there. I thought none of my cats were under the car that the garage was clear. One of her eyeballs popped out from her head. I never wanted to turn back time so much until the moment i saw her bleeding, struggling for her life on the floor. I ended up sitting on floor, next to her, apologizing to her while looking at her dying body. My head was blank. Stressful surreal blank. I called my mom, dad and my sister but none of them answered my phone calls. That's when i started to cry a river. I called my bestfriend, Sarah. And i don't even remember what i really said to her because i was sobbing hard and my mind was literally gone for seconds with Isytal's soul.

It was all my fault. I take the blame forever. It was my fault cause i didn't checked under the car before i moved, i also didn't honk the car like i always did. I remember the day i hold her and told her to not worry for a thing no more cause i got her for life. I got you, Isytal. But in the end, it was me that hit her hard with my car so bad until she died because of me. The irony. 

Dear Isytal, it was so heartbreaking seeing you dying like this with blood all over your body. I am truly sorry that i can't no longer help you at that time. I am sorry for my failure to give you sufficient attention that you need in life that i ended up hit you and killed you by myself. I am sorry for everything.

I am beyond happy to have you home with me. I hope you were happy growing up here with the family as well. I just want you to know that i love you the moment i first time saw you at the lift lobby. I love you so much now, until forever. I hope you never hate me for causing you death. You was not just any cat. You were the first cat that i brought home from Shah Alam to Seliau. It took about 2 hours driving. And driving a cat home, alone, was never easier. Thanks to you.

Losing a cat is excruciating. Losing you, Isytal, like this, is undeniably excruciating. In fact, i'm going through it and grieving as i write this. This is indeed, one of the most intense experiences i have to get through. I love you Isytal. I will always do. And i don't want to forget about you. May we reunite in the hereafter. Kakak sayang Isytal.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP

I swear this video is worth every second. Watch it!

I blew out my 25 candles just a week ago. While i did so genuinely loving my life more than ever, i realized now is the phase where most of my friends, cousins that share the same age with me are getting married or at least getting engaged. And everybody will be like "Kau bila lagi?" "Takkan boyfriend pun tak ada?" "Tak ada boyfriend? Tak payah nak bohong" "Adik kahwin dulu kot?" etc etc. And whatever answer given, the response is always 99% predictable.

Call me whatever, but i've decided to bite the bullet and blog about being single.

So let's be clear - Yes, i am single (*at this moment*). The i-don't-have-a-boyfriend, the no-i'm-not-expecting-anyone-trust-me-i'm-single-why-sometimes-people-don't-trust-me-ugh, the don't-make-me-sign-up-for-Tinder, the aku-rasa-kau-kahwin-dulu; kind of single. I used to tweet almost (maybe) a lot about how good i feel about being single. Because really, i did and i do feel good. I enjoy my own company and always need time on my own to stay sane.

But suddenly the paranoia kicks in. What if people misinterpreted it as me actually being sad behind the screen? And blergh, preaching about how good you feel because you are single? Man, that's pathetic. Lololol!

But guess what, at the end of the day, i realized that i don't care about how other people gather their information through what they see or what they think of me. Because i'm only responsible for what i say, what i believe of myself, not for what other people understand. I mean, if people who are in a relationship can proudly showing off to the world about how happy they are with their relationship all day long, why suddenly it seems as if it is not right when single persons do the same thing about his/her own company? This is a totally double standard like seriously. It's about time for people to stop labelling someone talked about being single as defensive, whiny, bitter or even hopeless (?)

Actually, when you are not in a relationship, you have a lot of time to watch others' relationships. Observing and thinking of how right and how wrong the relationships could go. Led me to agreeing to the video i attached above. I mean, it's kind of hard not to. Granted, the nature of those thoughts have evolved and i would say that i improved in the last years of singleness. I believe that being single at 18 is very different from being single at 25, at 35. And i have no doubt it will continue to be beyond.

I love being single. I can do whatever i want any day, any night. They have been full of risks taken and rich experiences. But it doesn't mean that i want to be single for the rest of my life. I believe that 25 is not a buckle-up-you-need-to-speed-up age yet. I believe that i don't need to lower my bar just because of other people's timelines. I believe i still got plenty of time to choose who i want to spend the rest of my life with. I also believe that there's still time i'll be discovered by the right person at the right moment. In the meantime, there's a lot more to life than this. And for that, i give some serious thanks. Life is good. It really is.

LANGKAWI x SKYTREX

I am that type of person who spent most of my time alone; doing my homework, focusing on myself (such as filling up my tummy), reading online, observing people and all. And i do realized that if i keep on doing "me time" activities 24/7, doing the same damn thing over again and again, i will never going to see and experience the outside world for real. So in recent times, i decided to make myself a bucket list on what to do before i die. I never really jot them down anywhere but i believe that all the boxes will be ticked one at a time eventually. I thank Allah because me and my sister literally have so many things in common of which we can do lot of things together. I know that some siblings are not really blend in together that they were just connected by blood not by heart. Thus, god knows how thankful i am for the existence of my sister. 

So for this semester break, me and my sister decided to go to Langkawi for a three-day vacation. The actual plan was supposed to be Penang instead of Langkawi. But since there was a twist in our fate, so yeah, it's Langkawi. This was literally our first ever vacation (only two of us). Langkawi is a place where you can go there like two, three times and still enjoying the place. We went for the Panorama Langkawi (cable car & 3D art museum), mangrove tour and island hopping. It was all great except for the fact that we didn't bring our swimming suit, thinking that we will not have the feel or need of swimming at the beach because we are grown up enough (lol as if), but we were dead wrong. For goodness' sake, we are so not gonna repeat the same mistake ever again in the future.

And yeah, we went to Skytrex Melaka as well recently. I love how i'm no longer fit at all compared to my high school age, but i still managed to complete the extreme (most difficult) challenges for both; Shah Alam and Melaka Skytrex(s). Not to toot my own horn, but statistics-wise, i may be look like a weak fat female lamb who can do nothing especially outdoors; but honey, surely i am not. Trust me i can do anything. Only not everything. Try me darling. Though i might seem like dying, but i'm sure going to survive #flipshijab 

Tbh we planned about this Langkawi trip and Skytrex literally months and weeks before the dates but idk why, i look forward to this Skytrex Adventure more than dying to hop in the plane and flew to Langkawi. I wish there will be more activities for this semester break, but i guess that is all since i only have like 3 weeks until i get my ass back to Shah Alam for my final semester. And oh, we will get our examination results by this week. I pray that my examination results are all okay. My heart can't afford to fail any of the previous semester papers. I hope that everything is well insyaAllah Amin YRA. 

P/S: I just feel the need to remind this in my blog post. Hehe. 17th February is my birthday. I'll be turning 25 in few days. God, where has all the time gone? And where am i heading next? -- Onto better things. Indeed.

SARAH YAZMIN GOT ENGAGED!

28th January 2018 was obviously the most remarkable birthday for my best friend since she's not only celebrating her birthday with the family (and me) but got engaged as well. I can't believe that we are really at that "engaged and marriage" part of life. Like, where does all of our childhood and teenager years had gone? I'm still a kid at heart tbh. Maybe i should officially become an adult now. Ok, calm down. Suddenly it's all about me. Lol. I shall blog about this "about me" on my next post. 

So i knew about this engagement since last year. I don't even remember when cause i have a memory like a sieve. We are already expecting and had suspicions about this day but nothing could have prepared us for it actually happening. Elated is not enough to describe the joy i have for this soul. But for lack of better word and expression, that'll have to do. 

Dear Sarah, as your maid of honour (well i know i am definitely your number one. But i need to claim this for my future reference lol), i pray nothing but the best for the road you are heading ahead, for the new phase in your life as you just stepped into as someone's fiancée. At least now my bff can pave the way for me into engaged / married land and tell me what it's like on the other side hehe. So, we're going to need to get in shape for your wedding. My Mr Dream Guy might be present as well. But wait, i know all of your mutual friends. There are no Mr Dream Guy for me. Ugh marriage is hard. Lol. Congratulations again babe! Time flies and now you are engaged :') Behave, okay? I love you!