THE BEST IS YET TO COME: 2023

Assalamualaikum & hello 2023! It's the new year, new me again. Alhamdulillah all of us 93s babies are going to be 30 years old this year (yep, that's old). 30 literally in our Jenna Rink phase like please guys, only talk thirty to us. Lol. Tbh, i am so ready for 2023. I already bought the 2023 planner like a month before the new year and i also already make a list of resolutions on what to achieve this year. I mean, bring it on 2023. I pray that at least i will do my best and be consistent to achieve my resolutions in this January because it's the first month of the year and the start of everything. If i screw it all during this first month, God knows how i am. I will end up be like, "okay let's start again on my birthday on February" and then postpone and postpone till forever. So yeah, please no. 

And recently i read an online book titled: "1% Better Everyday" saying that we can never just simply goes from nothing to everything, zero to hero very dramatically. For instance, we can't be like, eating like Fat Amy (no offense to myself hahaha) for the whole year and suddenly eat like Bella Hadid on the new year, drastically starting on the 1st January just because we aim to lose more weight (hashtag new year, new body). Same goes to: the routine was, we usually do nothing during the night after work (because we already too tired to function), and all of a sudden the next day, like magic, we go for 2-hour gym session everyday, take online courses, read many books till late and voila, a whole new person overnight/ in a week. Honestly, the new habit definitely not going to stay for long. Because we will easily give up the next few days or the next week because of the gigantic changes that tire us more than usual. I mean, it's true though because it happened to me all the time. Lol. 

So the book literally suggests us to implement Kaizen in our daily lives. Kaizen is a Japanese word means "improvement" or "change for the better". The term is used more specifically to refer to continuous improvement or small changes consistently which is making small changes that add up to big differences. It says that the other book, "The Toyota Way" did explains the uses of Kaizen in detail and canonized its usage to some extent. Let's pray that i will find and read this book too in the near future to understand better especially when i just enjoy reading short and easy-to-understand books (or maybe just the summary haha). 

And yeah, we've been listening to this "slowly but surely" and "keep calm and achieve your goals" only a million time but in real life situation, it's still easier said than done because the world is moving so fast and we are definitely not calm at all. Haha. Especially with our ton of tasks and challenges at home and work that drain us off like crazy. We barely live actually most of the time. Every new year we always think we can achieve everything in our bucket list, but in the end, out of ten, only one or two of the goals (worst: nothing) is actually really happening. And we keep on repeating the same goals every new year like a broken record because along the way, we just ended up being demotivated to actually achieve them. Lol #fact #shame #guilty  

I am 30 this year and i tell myself this time, i should be older and wiser. Not just older and fatter lol. I am so done at being young, dumb and broke. This time i'm going to turn that all around because now that i'm old. I can't just be old. Duhh. Other people already achieved a lot of things in their 30s. If i can't be as good as them, i should at least be as good as me. I have a baby daughter who will need someone to look up to in the future. If i want to be proud of my daughter, i should make her proud of me first. InsyaAllah. 

Time to see what 30 is all about.

LONG OVERDUE UPDATES & 2022 SO FAR

Assalamualaikum and hello to anyone reading this. This post most probably would be the last post for 2022 because i don't think i will have the free time ever again to blog until January. Especially when i was already drafted my second anniversary blog update on the day of the anniversary but it ended up postponed until my daughter's first birthday, postponed again until the birthday celebration which was two weeks later and until today, literally a month overdue. 

There's a lot going on with this life (of course) but yeah, to update here just by counting the blessings, me and my husband are already being together for two years and our daughter is now one year old. Alhamdulillah. We get to celebrate our anniversary as a family with our little girl and we also managed to set a simple birthday party/ celebration for Aqisya including all of our family members. Though she was sick on the night of the celebration and got warded for the first time at Hospital Putrajaya the day after, but alhamdulillah, she is A-okay now. 

Reflecting on 2022, this year has been about nothing but Aqisya, our daughter (obviously). It's the year about we becoming the new parents, how we learned plenty of new things and managed to raise our baby together until she is one year old (may she lives for many years to come. Amin YRA). As the saying goes; it takes a village to raise a child. It's true though. We didn't just raise her by ourselves but also with my sister (who lives with me), our parents, family and even our colleagues were involved. Especially when Aqisya frequently had fever, cough and flu literally like once a month in general. Our leaves (day off) were all been used not because we were going on holidays or such, but because of the emergency leaves when our baby was not in the pink of health. However, we are both are still thankful since everybody was cooperating well and very understanding towards us. Of course there were hiccups here and there but then again, too few to mention. 

Altogether, i don't think i actually achieved anything big this year other than being a mother. Haha. Probably because i'm so devoted to being a mother especially during this first year being a parent with my first baby that i don't really bother about anything else but her. So yeah, i perhaps shall plan ahead for my 2023 so that i can actually achieve something significant next year for my dear self. May Allah ease everything for us in 2023. The best is yet to come. InsyaAllah. 

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MOM (MY EDITION)

WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A MOM

(AQISYA'S MOMMY EXHAUSTIVE LIST EDITION):

First few days was a total blur. My first day at home, I fed my baby with only 2ml of milk during her feeding time in the evening. It was supposed to be 60ml. I mean, what on earth was i thinking?!

In the early days, I don’t even want to be left alone with just me and my baby. It was so terrifying. I literally need help 24/7.

My husband was the first one to learn and master in handling the baby compared to me.

The Confinement Lady (CL) came every day for 3 weeks straight and at some point, I feel like I don’t even need her. Because I need my rest and my sleep especially during the morning (while the baby was also sleeping). 

The real struggle began when my husband was already back to work and the CL is no longer coming to help me in the house. Which means, I was alone with just me and the baby.

When my baby was at crying-all-night phase. I got mad just by thinking of my husband who was sleeping soundly far away and here I am with a crying baby all night. Haha.  

It took me many days to finally discover how to shower my baby properly and not being stressed during her shower time. 

I learn to love someone more than I love myself. Endlessly. And I finally understand why my mom acts in certain ways because of me.  

Being a mother make me realize that it is actually so hard to be a stay at home mom. Because there is actually nothing can be done since the focus is only for the baby. Like seriously. 

I used to have empathy only for animals like cats, doggies, etc. But since Aqisya was born, it breaks me to tears to see babies being treated badly or unjustly. 

The first 3 months really took a toll on me. It was so tiring. I even wonder how am I going to survive being a working mom. But somehow, eventually I did because it gets better every day since I kinda learn how to juggle with it from time to time. Though i'm still learning. 

No more small bags or no bag whenever we go out and about. 

Everything need to be done very quickly. And sometimes, nothing can even be done at all because the baby is the priority. I mean, the baby gets what the baby wants. All the time.

I became more defensive. As an example, I no longer breastfeed my baby. So, when anyone wants to question about my decision and be a milk police, I will stop them immediately like, ok, stop right there, your opinion and critic does not matter to me. Sorry not sorry. 

It bugs me when people pretend like they know my baby more than me and shower me with their comments and random assumptions. PSA: NO ONE KNOWS AND WANTS THE BEST FOR THE BABY MORE THAN THE MOTHER. PERIOD.

I no longer shop for myself. I only shop for my baby. No lie. 

I give up a lot but get back so much in return.

7kg is heavy if it’s a bag of rice or anything else. But it’s not that heavy if it’s my baby. Like surprisingly, I can handle carrying her for minutes or even an hour. Unless if there is a stroller or carrier, please. give. me. that. stroller. and. carrier. #sendhelp

I became 100% more paranoid, more anxious, more cautious on everything. Even when I already be so careful, it still scares me if I’m the one who will be hurting my baby. Nauzubillah. May Allah always protect Aqisya from any harm and danger. Amin YRA. 

My baby is my everything. She comes first every single time. She is above anything. She is like the magic magnet that attract all my other attentions, priorities to her. Like, nothing else really matters anymore but her.

The anger is real. The struggle is real. The tiredness is real. And when you lost it for seconds, the guilt is real. As real as it gets. 

OUR BABIES ARE THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD. EVERY ONE OF THEM. FIGHT ME. 

I love kids shows now. Several times me and my daughter were watching Peppa Pig or Cocomelon together but end up with just me watching the show haha. 

You know “that mom” who shares too many of child photos on social media and only having child-related stories to share online. Me too. Because I am “that mom” now. Lol. Whatever. My instagram, my rules #tiber

There is nothing so pure in this world as a belly laugh from our child. It’s okay to be a clown, to be a monkey or even a troll, as long as we can hear our baby’s laugh. 

Learning I am both more vulnerable and stronger than I realized.

I appreciate my husband even more and convinced that he is a good husband and a good father after we have a baby. He works full time and only comes home during the weekends. He does what he can when he's home including bathe the baby, change the diapers and everything day and night. I am blessed to have such a helpful and understanding husband. May this last forever.

My sister is the second mother to my child. Even when she's also tired like crazy, she still has to help me with my baby every time when I passed out haha. God bless her. 

I have my own list of short prayers (duas) for my baby that I recite with her every morning before she’s going to school. And the duas list increases by days. May Allah respond the duas with acceptance. Amin YRA. 

6 MONTHS OF TOGETHERNESS

I don't even know what to write about actually. But this blog need to be updated cause it's been a while. Lol. So, let's talk about my new obsession which is my daughter, Aqisya. Alhamdulillah she is 6 months old already. Growing all strong, healthily and beautifully. I mean, look at her. She looks just like me #selfclaimed. I remember when she was like 1 or 2 months old, my husband always brag about how she looks like him. But now, sorry you old man. Mommy always wins. Haha. 

It's been few days since Aqisya first started her weaning journey. Until now she has already tasted rice porridge, rice rusk, bok choy and celery. Somehow, so far so good for her. Our plan is to introduce her to vegetables first then we move on to fruits, meats and everything delicious. I really hope for her to not be a picky eater. But looking at her growing, i know she will be just okay with anything. InsyaAllah. Let's pray that mommy will also be persistent on cooking the moment she is older. So that she will not just eat junk foods till she's fat just like mommy did. Lol. 

Aqisya is also doing good at her nursery. Her teacher (read: baby sitter) never called me even once saying that she's not doing okay. I mean, we should just be so thankful that Aqisya is such an easy baby in everything. She never cried on unnecessary things. Most of the time, we know exactly what she wants every time she cries. She also pee and poop well. Alhamdulillah. She is a blessing. Hence, i will only count the blessings when it comes to her. Even when she cries can also be music to my ears haha. The love songs that are playing on the radio now are also about her. Maybe it's just me being a mom but i pray that Allah will let our precious Aqisya to be with us for a long long time. And may Allah always protect her from evil and danger even from me when i am harmful. Amin YRA. 

We love you Aqisya. Everybody in the family loves you. In fact, everybody who sees you, love you. Mommy pray that you will always find a way to love and value yourself when you are older because you are just so worthy and nothing less. 

END OF MY MATERNITY LEAVE

 

It's mid January already, Aqisya will be 3 months old on this 17th January. So yeah, it marks the end of my 90 days maternity leave. I'll be back on my feet to start my working life again next Wednesday. Of course, there are ton of emotions that come along with the end of this maternity leave especially when my priorities has shifted and the perspective on everything also changed. I'm also definitely harrowed by it (most probably because of the postpartum emotions: lack of sleeps, hormonal changes and etc). 

We already sending Aqisya to the nursery starting this new year so that she and I can get a smooth transition of the upcoming situation. She needs to learn it as early as 2 months that her mother will not going to be with her 24/7 once her mother is back to work. And she also needs to be okay with it. Alhamdulillah Aqisya is all okay with everything. She is such a healthy, easy and happy baby. She gives me no worries and somehow like saying to me like, ''it's okay mommy, you can go to work and please earn more money for me''. Haha. 

Well, to be frank, it's not her that i am most worried about. I know she is a strong girl and she will get through anything. It's actually my working culture. I'm working at a place where we have ton of never-ending workloads that we have to give our full commitments to get the work done. It's always about time constraint that we can never afford to waste any. Teamwork is also very important at my place. Like, we are just very very productive haha. Well, it's good to be busy rather than wasting all of our time during the office hours pretending to be fruitful and it's great to be somehow an important person in an organization but sometimes i envy those who don't have that much of work but still getting paid fairly. Haha k k k. 

After all, i pray that this transition from my 3 months maternity leave to going back being a brand new working mom will be as smooth as possible. I thank God that my Director since the previous one to this current one are someone who always understand their staff well and not that kind of lunatic boss who we can just simply be stressful about. They can differentiate well from work and personal situation. And yes, having the boss' support can really make a huge difference. I also know it well that i need to set boundaries as early from day 1 back to work with my coworkers to set expectations. 

It's not that i'm trying to get away all the time by using the i'm-a-mom ticket but i really pray that my coworkers and everybody can understand especially that i'm still not living under the same roof with my husband since he is still working at Melaka and her we are in Putrajaya. I may somehow be exaggerating but yeah, during the weekdays, i am a ''single mother'' because my husband is only here during the weekends. So, yeah. Haha. 

But, to my coworkers, there's no need to worry though. It's just that the way i used to work may no longer work for me from now on because my priorities has shifted. But i know my responsibilities. Work is still work. It will still be done in one way or another but not with me being in the office until the after office hours or late night anymore. Hehe. Because i have Aqisya now and she needs me and i need her even more even during the weekdays. And i will be there and fight for her whenever, wherever. Period. 

Going back to work after maternity leave is indeed challenging. I mean, i'm still at home today with my baby but my heart is already feels so heavy hahaha. But hey, for many, it does get better right? And i suppose too. May Allah ease Afiqah Norazizi's working mom journey, may her boss and her coworkers are always as understanding as ever and may Aqisya always be in the pink of health so that she can always be mommy's and daddy's healthy, easy and happy baby. InsyaAllah. Amin YRA. 

MY FIRST LABOUR EXPERIENCE

It's already been 44 days and it's about time for me to blog about my labour story before this mind forgets. Alhamdulillah on the 17th October 2021, i gave birth to my beautiful daughter. We were somehow kinda unprepared (well, almost not prepared at all) since we were expecting the baby to be here on the 28th October 2021 but obviously she wanted to meet us earlier than that haha. 

The journey began when me and my husband went to my pregnancy check up at Andorra Hospital on Saturday (16th October). My appointment usually around 11 o'clock in the morning. I remember me and my husband were so hungry and can't wait for lunch and we also planned to go to Souq Shoppe (the new chocolate shop at Putrajaya) after the check up but yeah, didn't happen at all. Lol. 

So before i met the doctor, i need to weight myself and check my blood pressure with the nurse first. And somehow, for idk what reason, ever since i was 9 month pregnant, my blood pressure always so high like a bird in the sky haha. Previously when i was having my check up at Klinik Kesihatan (KK), i remember when my blood pressure was so high that the nurse took my blood pressure reading several times because she told me that if the doctor sees the reading, the doctor might force me to give birth on the same day for the sake and safety of the baby. 

And so on that day, my blood pressure was 167/110 (normal blood pressure is 120/90) lol. I didn't feel anything at first because the nurse didn't say anything to me at all. But when i met my gynaecologist, Dr. Haliza, she directly told me to give birth on that day because even if i was all okay, but when my blood pressure reading is too high, my baby might trying to give me a sign that she might not be okay inside my womb. Hence, we cannot take it lightly. 

I can recall how me and my husband were so blank when the doctor said that and like, okay is this really happening? Are we really going to be parents today? What now? haha. And we instantly made phone calls to inform our family about the news. The funny thing was, i don't even bring my hospital bags in the car with me because i was so very sure that i will not give birth on that day haha. K lesson learnt. But thanks to my sister, she helped me with the hospital bags and even helped to prepare our house for the arrival of the baby. 

I straightly got warded at room 306 (single bedded room) with my husband. And we had our late lunch there. Since i was 'forced' to give birth on that day, hence, i don't experience any pain or water break, etc. So, Dr. Haliza gave me my first induction of labour on that evening hoping that i will give birth naturally and normally either that night or perhaps tomorrow. Dr. Haliza also did a cervical exam on me to check my progress. Swear that was the most painful thing ever! The pain was even ongoing for like hours after that. I can't even tell if that was the contraction pain or whatnot. 

At night, Dr. Haliza came again for the painful cervical exam on me but still, no progress and no sign of delivery. And the next morning (17th October) around 9am, she gave me my second induction of labour. She told me, the next check up will be around 3pm. If there is no progress at 3pm, we need to choose either i can still try for normal delivery by taking the third induction or might as well just go for c-section. Especially when my blood pressure reading was still high and not okay. 

During the evening, sadly, i was only 1cm diluted and my contraction was also not that intense (at least to me) even after took 2 doses of labour induction. So, Dr. Haliza asked and waited on us once again for the delivery options. After discussing with my husband and family and after considering that i might just waste more time and money on the induction especially when there is a high probability that i might be already be like diluted like 8cm or more but still ended up with c-section because of my high blood pressure (God knows). So yeah, that's how i ended with c-section delivery even after following so may advices on how to give birth naturally haha. I guess, God always works in mysterious ways right? We plan, Allah plans and Allah is the best planner of all. 

It was surreal. I remember thinking like, "okay this is either the last moment of me not being a mother yet or this might be my last day on earth" because anything can happen in the operating theater (OT). Thank God my husband can also be there inside the OT with me. Allah knows how nervous i felt when the nurses took me to the OT and set me up for my delivery with the sound of the surgical instruments, the lights, the doctors and nurses in PPE, the view inside the OT and everything. Truth to be told, all my life, i've never been inside an OT or even warded in the hospital myself. So this was legit the very first time ever for me. 

When everybody and everything was ready, the anesthesiologist told me to sit down and hold the pillow for her to put drugs inside me through my back. My fear of needles was so exaggerating during this time because i cannot imagine how painful it's going to be and i was even overthinking like, what if the drugs doesn't work on me that i can feel all the pain when they do all the work on taking my baby out from me? Ugh you crazy mind!

But alhamdulillah the anesthesiologist handled it very well and was not as painful as i thought. She put the drugs only to numb my lower body parts. Which means that i was also all awake during the operation. Though my body was half numb, i can still feel the movements like when the doctors push the baby out and everything. Only it was not painful at all. Phew. 

We went into the OT at 6pm and our bundle of joy, Nur Aqisya Emara binti Affiq Emara was born at 6.28pm (2.74 kg & 47.1cm). Alhamdulillah. We even had videos of me delivering the baby and some photos and videos inside the OT. Thank you Andorra Hospital for allowing us to take photos and videos and even helped us to capture the memory. This was really a moment of a lifetime. 

After the baby was born, my husband directly went out with the baby, the paediatrician and the nurses. Andorra Hospital guided my husband on how to tahnik our baby right after birth and they even helped us to clean and wrap my placenta (uri) so that all we should do next was only to bury it (no need to clean it anymore at home). Alhamdulillah. 

After giving birth, i was bedridden for almost 24 hours. I even can't feel my lower body at all. Even the baby needs to be fed with formula milk first and stayed at the nursery because of my situation. The next evening, a physiotherapist came into my ward and asked me to walk around the hospital with her. Tbh, i was all okay at that moment and i can even walk fast like normal like no baby just came out of me haha. I felt like, wow, was my pain tolerance really that high that i can't even feel any pain at all? Even the physiotherapist told me that most moms can only walk slowly while holding her hands and some can't even walk at all. But she told me to still be careful and never try to be like normal too soon yet. 

And yes. I was all okay during the day, but after the evening walk with the physiotherapist, during the night, the real pain kicked in. I can't even stand up, sit or lay down without the help from my husband or the nurses because it was so painful. And worst, i even need to go to the toilet like many times. Sorry husband. Haha k k k.

We checked out from the hospital on the 19th October. My baby was diagnosed with jaundice like a day after and she was living her first 2 weeks of life with jaundice and even got warded at Hospital Putrajaya (i was so sad and crying by myself when she was at the hospital). We even met Tok Jim who is a paediatrician at Hospital Islam Az-Zahra several times and Tok Jim even suggested us to rent home phototherapy for 2 days for Aqisya. And me myself even got warded for 2 nights at An-Nur Specialist Hospital because i was caught with fever and got very sick haha. But alhamdulillah everything is okay now. 

So, talking about the delivery package at Andorra Hospital, we decided to go with the single bedded room since it's more private and my husband can accompany and stay with me all day all night in the ward. Andorra Hospital was a very nice hospital with great hospitality. Dr. Haliza was a very good doctor. She's so confident and know exactly what she was doing with me which i was not even worried at all or have any doubt with her. The nurses were also so calm and friendly and they came to our room like few seconds after we pressed the call button even during the midnight. The foods were heavenly. And yeah, i almost cannot find any flaws or anything for me to dislike but the hospital bills hahaha. But still, i wish to give birth at Andorra Hospital again for our next baby hehe. InsyaAllah. And thanks to Nadia Natasya, i got most of Andorra info from her because she gave birth to Erfan there first before me. Thank you Tasya!

For postpartum confinement, i hired confinement ladies for about 3 weeks and a day with Mama Baby Confinement Care, The Ruumah Spa and Che Gayah Berpantang Service. All 3 were daily visits packages which they just came to my house minimum 3 hours and maximum 6 hours. They did everything including bathe the baby, postnatal massage, prepare me foods, tungku, sauna, tangas and etc. Alhamdulillah everything during my confinement days were also went well as i hoped it to be. 

And today is the 44th day after i gave birth to this little munchkin and this marks the end of my confinement period. Yayy! Can you believe this is my baby today? Look at how she grows within 44 days haha. And i'm also already kinda doing well as a mom today compared to my first days. Hehe. It was quite a journey, my labour experience (at least to me). Even though the baby's birth didn't go the way i had hoped but we are still thankful to have a healthy, easy and happy baby. Alhamdulillah. Do i wish it to be different, going through normal delivery instead? Well, i am not very sure if i could handle the normal delivery pain although the c-section recovery was already a pain. 

All praise to Allah for this experience and of course, for our little bundle of joy, the flower that forever in bloom, Nur Aqisya Emara. May Aqisya grow and develop normally, healthily and beautifully. And may Allah always protect Aqisya from any harm and danger. Amin YRA. 

HAPPY FIRST ANNIVERSARY!

Happy first anniversary husband! Here's to many more and better years together.

May Allah ease our journey towards a more barakah marriage. Amin YRA.