You know when there are certain time in your life where you sit, look out at the window and having a deep thought to yourself about where you are now in life? Yeah, i was having that moment this morning. It's actually about how overwhelmed i feel when i look at other people, especially those my age or even younger than me living a better, brighter life compared to mine.
I'm not trying to sound like an ungrateful woman. I am thankful for everything that Allah has blessed me all these years since the day i was born. I know the fact that our pace are not the same compared to others. I know that everybody is fighting a silent battle. I know that happiness is subjective. And i also understand it too well that not everything that we show on social media, to public, to other people is actually what it is. We have to take it with a grain of salt every single time.
I mean, we know all off these and we have heard it all at least a million times. It's the truth and at the same time, it's actually one of the ways to ease our heart. So that we won't freaking out when it is not even necessary. Well, great for me. I am freaking out all the time. Internally.
I have a stable, permanent job but i wish for a better job everyday. I have fixed income, but i am always broke and wish to have 5 figures income like my loaded friends. My small family already got the keys to our 2-storey first house and i wish to renovate and decorate my house like the way i dream it to be but, hate to break it to myself, we have to act like our wage. And etc etc including the littlest things. And guess what, tbh, the problem is not everything else. The problem is actually me. I'm the problem it's me. Lol.
I've read somewhere on how we are actually so okay with our lives until we see someone else's or until someone else say something about it. Like, how it was all okay all this while but suddenly at one point, it is not. For instance, we were okay walking to the campus 3km everyday, until we saw someone drive a car and tell us that go to campus by car is easier compared to walking. And magically, we feel like walking is actually not an ideal option anymore.
Same goes to a situation where we were fine using just liquid detergent to wash our clothes, until we saw people are actually using detergent + softener + color safe bleach + laundry perfumes + etc. We either will not be bothered at all. Or be like, damn, no wonder my clothes are all bad and have shorter lifespan compared to theirs. I need to get the products they are using! Or, oh why am i so poor to never afford that. Sobs.
As for my case, since i am working with the Government, i always feels like i should earn more. Like, i deserve more salary because we have so many tasks and work to be done on daily basis. Which i know that if i'm working with private company with the same amount of work, my salary will definitely be way higher and better (i guess). Also on the other hand, if i am not working with the Government, i will not going to get all of the benefits as a Government Servant like: the retirement benefits (of course), free treatment at the government clinics and hospitals, 25 days annual leave, so on, so forth and the best benefit of all is the whole 3 rooms apartment quarters that only cost us RM300+ per month. We can even upgrade it to a 2-storey landed quarters when it's time. I mean, what else that is not enough in this goverment servant life? (other than lesser salary tbh) haha.
In the end, it's all about: count your blessings not your sorrows. We can either see the good things in life and be more grateful or we can count the bad things to make us melancholy. Sometimes we feel like we are nobody compared to everybody else because other people lives seems way calmer, way fortunate, way better. But hey, the grass is always greener on the other side right?
Sometimes i was afraid thinking of what am i going to be in the next 5-10 years because i feel like my life is stagnant. Like, everyday is the same. I gain nothing, achieve nothing. But as my husband said, if you look back at yourself 5 years ago, who you are now is nothing like who you were 5 years ago. You grew so much whether you realized it or not. Even when we are at work doing "the same thing" everyday, we actually at the same time, learn new things from time to time. What we understand about our routine job today is not the same as how we see it 5 years ago.
Best believe that our lives are good too. We are doing pretty great too. Because life is like that. It's not always a walk in the park. It's a roller coaster ride. Sometimes we are up above the sky and sometimes we hit rock bottom. We have to trust the timing of our life. One day at a time. Everything will be okay eventually as long as we focus and do the good things every time. InsyaAllah.
