WISH I CAN TURN BACK TIME

This is Isytal (read: Kristal). I named her Kristal because i took her from my apartment, Kristal View at Shah Alam. She was such a very small stray kitten back then the moment i decided to take her to my hometown with me. I often saw her at the lift lobby. Every time i was at the lift to go up or down, she was always there. Alone. I remember it was Ramadhan, and all of us were having Ramadhan break. All of my friends already went back to their hometowns but i was still at Shah Alam because i was working at Shell which i need to wait for the weekend. 

I don't know whether Isytal was an abandoned cat that someone left her alone or her mom died from something. But she was always alone by herself. I can't afford seeing her in that condition cause i don't think she'll survive for long. Me and my family never really take stray cats home with us because we have enough cats already at home and my mom never allows us.

But not this time. Isytal need to come home with me. I need to take care of her. She need to have a forever home. She can't be a stray cat forever, i told myself. Firm.

So i took some empty boxes at the Shell station to put her in while in the car. At the evening, when i came back at the apartment, she suddenly was not there. I remember, i asked one of cleaner staff, an Indonesian guy to help me find Isytal. I found her at around 5pm that i decided to put her for a while at my Pak Lang's house. Pak Lang told me not to come at that time because of the traffic. But i wanted to make sure that Isytal was safe and i can't let her be in my apartment because i know that my housemates will not like her in the house.

The traffic jam was real. The distance from my apartment to Pak Lang's was supposed to only take about 20 minutes, but i took almost 2 hours because of the traffic. The moment i came back at my apartment, it was almost 8pm. I don't even eat or drink anything yet. And it was Ramadhan. But i was happy enough because i know that Isytal was already in a good hand.

She grew up beautifully at my hometown, safe and sound. My mom helped me in taking care of her and the rest of the cats. All of my cats are literally white and orange in color. But not Isytal. Hehe. She's different. She's grey. But she's not alone because my dad also bring home 2 stray cats from his workplace and both were black and grey just about the same size and age as her. They were like triplet from the same mother and bestfriends.

Isytal was such a good cat. Everytime we let her out from the cage, she never make any scene like breaking a vase, pooping everywhere or anything. Nothing. She was more than a good cat. She never burden us. She grown up beautifully that my male cats fell in love with her. I bet she already has kittens inside her little tummy. I rarely take photos of her because she's rarely inside the house. She likes to stay outside and do her own thing. 

But yesterday morning, i hit her with my car. I didn't realized she was there. I thought none of my cats were under the car that the garage was clear. One of her eyeballs popped out from her head. I never wanted to turn back time so much until the moment i saw her bleeding, struggling for her life on the floor. I ended up sitting on floor, next to her, apologizing to her while looking at her dying body. My head was blank. Stressful surreal blank. I called my mom, dad and my sister but none of them answered my phone calls. That's when i started to cry a river. I called my bestfriend, Sarah. And i don't even remember what i really said to her because i was sobbing hard and my mind was literally gone for seconds with Isytal's soul.

It was all my fault. I take the blame forever. It was my fault cause i didn't checked under the car before i moved, i also didn't honk the car like i always did. I remember the day i hold her and told her to not worry for a thing no more cause i got her for life. I got you, Isytal. But in the end, it was me that hit her hard with my car so bad until she died because of me. The irony. 

Dear Isytal, it was so heartbreaking seeing you dying like this with blood all over your body. I am truly sorry that i can't no longer help you at that time. I am sorry for my failure to give you sufficient attention that you need in life that i ended up hit you and killed you by myself. I am sorry for everything.

I am beyond happy to have you home with me. I hope you were happy growing up here with the family as well. I just want you to know that i love you the moment i first time saw you at the lift lobby. I love you so much now, until forever. I hope you never hate me for causing you death. You was not just any cat. You were the first cat that i brought home from Shah Alam to Seliau. It took about 2 hours driving. And driving a cat home, alone, was never easier. Thanks to you.

Losing a cat is excruciating. Losing you, Isytal, like this, is undeniably excruciating. In fact, i'm going through it and grieving as i write this. This is indeed, one of the most intense experiences i have to get through. I love you Isytal. I will always do. And i don't want to forget about you. May we reunite in the hereafter. Kakak sayang Isytal.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP

I swear this video is worth every second. Watch it!

I blew out my 25 candles just a week ago. While i did so genuinely loving my life more than ever, i realized now is the phase where most of my friends, cousins that share the same age with me are getting married or at least getting engaged. And everybody will be like "Kau bila lagi?" "Takkan boyfriend pun tak ada?" "Tak ada boyfriend? Tak payah nak bohong" "Adik kahwin dulu kot?" etc etc. And whatever answer given, the response is always 99% predictable.

Call me whatever, but i've decided to bite the bullet and blog about being single.

So let's be clear - Yes, i am single (*at this moment*). The i-don't-have-a-boyfriend, the no-i'm-not-expecting-anyone-trust-me-i'm-single-why-sometimes-people-don't-trust-me-ugh, the don't-make-me-sign-up-for-Tinder, the aku-rasa-kau-kahwin-dulu; kind of single. I used to tweet almost (maybe) a lot about how good i feel about being single. Because really, i did and i do feel good. I enjoy my own company and always need time on my own to stay sane.

But suddenly the paranoia kicks in. What if people misinterpreted it as me actually being sad behind the screen? And blergh, preaching about how good you feel because you are single? Man, that's pathetic. Lololol!

But guess what, at the end of the day, i realized that i don't care about how other people gather their information through what they see or what they think of me. Because i'm only responsible for what i say, what i believe of myself, not for what other people understand. I mean, if people who are in a relationship can proudly showing off to the world about how happy they are with their relationship all day long, why suddenly it seems as if it is not right when single persons do the same thing about his/her own company? This is a totally double standard like seriously. It's about time for people to stop labelling someone talked about being single as defensive, whiny, bitter or even hopeless (?)

Actually, when you are not in a relationship, you have a lot of time to watch others' relationships. Observing and thinking of how right and how wrong the relationships could go. Led me to agreeing to the video i attached above. I mean, it's kind of hard not to. Granted, the nature of those thoughts have evolved and i would say that i improved in the last years of singleness. I believe that being single at 18 is very different from being single at 25, at 35. And i have no doubt it will continue to be beyond.

I love being single. I can do whatever i want any day, any night. They have been full of risks taken and rich experiences. But it doesn't mean that i want to be single for the rest of my life. I believe that 25 is not a buckle-up-you-need-to-speed-up age yet. I believe that i don't need to lower my bar just because of other people's timelines. I believe i still got plenty of time to choose who i want to spend the rest of my life with. I also believe that there's still time i'll be discovered by the right person at the right moment. In the meantime, there's a lot more to life than this. And for that, i give some serious thanks. Life is good. It really is.

LANGKAWI x SKYTREX

I am that type of person who spent most of my time alone; doing my homework, focusing on myself (such as filling up my tummy), reading online, observing people and all. And i do realized that if i keep on doing "me time" activities 24/7, doing the same damn thing over again and again, i will never going to see and experience the outside world for real. So in recent times, i decided to make myself a bucket list on what to do before i die. I never really jot them down anywhere but i believe that all the boxes will be ticked one at a time eventually. I thank Allah because me and my sister literally have so many things in common of which we can do lot of things together. I know that some siblings are not really blend in together that they were just connected by blood not by heart. Thus, god knows how thankful i am for the existence of my sister. 

So for this semester break, me and my sister decided to go to Langkawi for a three-day vacation. The actual plan was supposed to be Penang instead of Langkawi. But since there was a twist in our fate, so yeah, it's Langkawi. This was literally our first ever vacation (only two of us). Langkawi is a place where you can go there like two, three times and still enjoying the place. We went for the Panorama Langkawi (cable car & 3D art museum), mangrove tour and island hopping. It was all great except for the fact that we didn't bring our swimming suit, thinking that we will not have the feel or need of swimming at the beach because we are grown up enough (lol as if), but we were dead wrong. For goodness' sake, we are so not gonna repeat the same mistake ever again in the future.

And yeah, we went to Skytrex Melaka as well recently. I love how i'm no longer fit at all compared to my high school age, but i still managed to complete the extreme (most difficult) challenges for both; Shah Alam and Melaka Skytrex(s). Not to toot my own horn, but statistics-wise, i may be look like a weak fat female lamb who can do nothing especially outdoors; but honey, surely i am not. Trust me i can do anything. Only not everything. Try me darling. Though i might seem like dying, but i'm sure going to survive #flipshijab 

Tbh we planned about this Langkawi trip and Skytrex literally months and weeks before the dates but idk why, i look forward to this Skytrex Adventure more than dying to hop in the plane and flew to Langkawi. I wish there will be more activities for this semester break, but i guess that is all since i only have like 3 weeks until i get my ass back to Shah Alam for my final semester. And oh, we will get our examination results by this week. I pray that my examination results are all okay. My heart can't afford to fail any of the previous semester papers. I hope that everything is well insyaAllah Amin YRA. 

P/S: I just feel the need to remind this in my blog post. Hehe. 17th February is my birthday. I'll be turning 25 in few days. God, where has all the time gone? And where am i heading next? -- Onto better things. Indeed.

SARAH YAZMIN GOT ENGAGED!

28th January 2018 was obviously the most remarkable birthday for my best friend since she's not only celebrating her birthday with the family (and me) but got engaged as well. I can't believe that we are really at that "engaged and marriage" part of life. Like, where does all of our childhood and teenager years had gone? I'm still a kid at heart tbh. Maybe i should officially become an adult now. Ok, calm down. Suddenly it's all about me. Lol. I shall blog about this "about me" on my next post. 

So i knew about this engagement since last year. I don't even remember when cause i have a memory like a sieve. We are already expecting and had suspicions about this day but nothing could have prepared us for it actually happening. Elated is not enough to describe the joy i have for this soul. But for lack of better word and expression, that'll have to do. 

Dear Sarah, as your maid of honour (well i know i am definitely your number one. But i need to claim this for my future reference lol), i pray nothing but the best for the road you are heading ahead, for the new phase in your life as you just stepped into as someone's fiancée. At least now my bff can pave the way for me into engaged / married land and tell me what it's like on the other side hehe. So, we're going to need to get in shape for your wedding. My Mr Dream Guy might be present as well. But wait, i know all of your mutual friends. There are no Mr Dream Guy for me. Ugh marriage is hard. Lol. Congratulations again babe! Time flies and now you are engaged :') Behave, okay? I love you!